Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sports for the Middle-Aged Child

This is my husband, Gordy. 

Gordy is great husband, a marvelous father, .... and a sports-aholic.

Gordy loves sports.

Gordy loves playing sports.

Gordy loves coaching sports. 

And Gordy loves watching sports on tv.

Almost ten years ago, Gordy decided that after many years without playing any competitive sport, he wanted to literally get back into the game.  While he was growing up and throughout high school and college, Gordy had concentrated on two sports:   hockey and lacrosse.  When Gordy was really young, he also played soccer and baseball.  Once Gordy decided to restart his athletic career, he figured he should choose a sport he already knew.

After weighing his adult sporting options, Gordy decided to try softball and began playing for his company's team. 

At this early point, I had two non-sport-playing babies and I come from a family of athletically unmotivated people, so my exposure to competitive sports was very limited.  Ten years and more than a few games later, I consider myself a sporting expert - a master of both child and adult athletic levels.  I've learned that both age groups play games that are at times highly exciting and unbelievably boring.  Both age groups have a mixture of players who play their hardest and never want to lose, and players who would just as rather be somewhere else and could care less about the outcome.   

The main difference, as far as I can see, between the games that the adults play versus the games their children play is the amount of injuries occurred while on the field.  Children, it turns out, hardly EVER injure themselves, while adults seem to barely be able to make it through an inning without grave damage to their person.

If I could have a dollar for every time Gordy has called me from the emergency room, I'd be a rich lady. 

It all began the night Gordy came home with a scraped knee.  Of course, this description is not entirely accurate.  A scraped knee sounds rather sweet and child-like and Gordy's wound was anything but.  It seems that when Gordy made the split-second decision to slide into third base while wearing shorts, the skin on his knee decided to pack up and exit his body just as quickly.  (I would be inclined to think that he splinched while apparating, but I've been watching Gordy closely for years now and I'm pretty sure he's a squib.)  By the time Gordy got home, the gory wound was no longer bleeding, per se, but it was raw, dirty and painful. 

The injury looked even worse a few days later, when Gordy lifted up his pant leg to reveal green/brown, oozing puss and fiery red infected streaks running up towards his thigh.  Gordy asked me, very calmly I might add, if I thought that maybe the cut might be infected. 

A quick trip to the emergency room confirmed my diagnosis. 

I admit, that he learned his lesson... somewhat.  For his birthday that year, Gordy asked my parents to get him a pair of softball pants and he was actually wearing them when the second accident happened.  This time the skin stayed on his leg for the most part, but the knee wound required many stitches.

In 2005, the late night phone call from Gordy informed me that while HE only had a black eye, the guy he tagged out was on his way to the emergency room with a possible compound fracture of the leg. 


I started to look into the injury rate of the over-35 softball player. 

I needn't have bothered.  It is was at this point when Gordy decided that it might be even more fun to join an over-40 hockey league.  After all, ice skating and forty-year-old brittle bones go so well together.  

Because the over-forty crowd doesn't actually get ice time until long after 10pm, 2005 marks the beginning of what I like to refer to as "Scaring Martha:  The Post-Midnight Emergency Room Series." 

In addition to the separated shoulder of Ought Seven and the fractured finger of Ought Eight, we have:

The split chin:

The Split Nose:

The badly bruised elbow:

The Chin Stitches:

And the broken finger:

Honestly, I'm not sure how much more this man can take. 

Personally, I think it may be time for Gordy to pursue some less active pastimes.  For the past ten years, I've been playing on our local over-30 Pastry-Eating team and he's welcome to join that.  I'm also a member of the HGTV-watching club and the People Magazine All-Star League and I haven't been injured yet.


Aaron said...

He used to be pretty good at video-game hockey. Might I suggest that he take that up again?

Martha said...

That would be an entirely DIFFERENT addiction.

tarazbaker said...

BRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(she says as she finishes reading with tears in her eyes). Just one question - do you actually SUBSCRIBE to People now, or do you still insist on buying it at the newsstand so that when you become famous no one could accuse you of being a card-carrying member of the "I Must Get My Celeb Gossip" club?

Martha said...

Oh Tara! How this comment made me laugh! NO! I do not yet have a subscription to People but my reasons behind the weekly trip to the newstand has changed.... my mailman is completely untrustworthy and reliable. I need that magazine by Thursday afternoon -- Friday morning at the latest and I'm not going to risk my mailman's ill tempers. I already rely on him to bring me my weekly Hello! and I'm lucky if I get all four issues by the end of the month. Sigh.

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